Title: None

So I've started like 5 different posts within the past couple weeks but haven't finished any of them. They're not good really at all - no purpose or central message. Not that any of my posts are ever "good," but I'm feeling the need for some meaty depth these days. Instead, I come up with pointless rambling not worth broadcasting. Ugh.

Some people tell me I should write a book, but I'd have a serious problem coming up with a consistent theme. Writing does fulfill me - maybe not the actual writing itself, but the satisfaction that I feel after going back and reading my words. Perusing through my old journals leads me to feel "known" by what I've written - does that make sense? It's like I can clearly see my heart and have insight as to who God is making me, and it provides tangible evidence of the ways in which I've grown over time.

This is what I wrote 2 years ago to the date:

12/3/06, Sunday

So I’ve been preparing several journal entries from the past for K to read. I did this once before in our relationship – printed out a couple entries mostly related to how I felt about us in the beginning of our relationship – to help him understand the things I’m not able to fully express through words. Writing is so much easier for me. Maybe it’s because I can erase and rewrite and make everything sound okay after endless editing, where as with words it’s a lot harder to edit what you say once they’ve already come out of your mouth. Regardless, it’s been fun going back and reading what I wrote over the past 2 years.

This is the theme in my old entries: searching, lack of direction, desperate to find my purpose, a need to solve everything in the whole wide world right now at this very second, to be in control and make things fall into place, wondering if I’m doing things right, anxious to figure it all out, confusion, more searching, more questioning…

I feel like I’m reaching a new stage in life. Maybe it’s maturing, maybe I’ve finally figured things out, maybe I’m just learning how to live fuller given my current circumstances instead of searching so much. I no longer feel this pressure to present myself to the world in a way that makes it seem as though I have it all together, that I know exactly what I’m here for. My life is constantly evolving and changing, and there’s no way in the world I could ever expect it to conform to some pre-set pattern I’ve created in my mind. In retrospect, God has brought me so far, and is still bringing me to new places and teaching me new things. That I might never fail to recognize the joy of the unknown, that I would remain hopeful into the future, while continuing to be ever thankful for the present…