I Remember...

I remember one time I was talking to my friend Em on the phone. It was back in my career girl days, and I was wearing a suit looking out the window of a conference room in the middle of downtown Dallas. I had probably come back from a professional lunch with a CFO, likely an old man in his 50's or 60's, old enough to be my dad, wondering why this freckle-faced-just-out-of-college girl expected him to trust her with his business as an advisor and financial consultant. Em and I were BFF's in high school. She was my first friend to get married and have kids, and I always remember thinking how close we were and how different our lives ended up being. Her with 2 kids, me as a single yuppie working at a bank. Of course I deeply wanted to be married with kids someday, but really, really enjoyed my single days. God totally used that time to grow and change my heart in unbelievable ways, and I learned lessons about Him and his character that I would've never had time to focus on otherwise...

But back to our conversation. So I think everyone goes through cycles of monotony, no matter where you are in life. It's human nature to think that the grass is always greener on the other side. I must've been having one of those days - one where I was tired of wearing high heels every day and trying to climb the career ladder, one where the politics and bureaucracies of corporate america were dragging me down, one where I was sick of schmoozing....because I remember saying, "Em...okay...so you know how somedays I'm like ugh - I do NOT want to get up and go to work today. Do you ever have days where you're like ugh - I do NOT want to be a Mom today?" I think I was probably expecting her to gush about how much she loved her kids, seeking her validation that indeed - the grass WAS greener on the other side. Not having had a baby at the time, I had a romanticized picture of what I thought being a mom was going to be like. I knew it would be tough, but I would love it like she loved it surely.

And this is why I love Em. Because she's real. And honest. And she said back to me on the phone that day, "Uh - YEAH. Like when your son is poking your eyes out to wake up in the morning as he stands beside your bed when you're not done sleeping." Or something to that effect. And I was all, "REALLY????"

If someone asked me that exact question today, my response would be the same as Em's. Not about the son poking my eyes out, but just the answer of YES - sometimes it's hard being a Mom. And as I'm getting ready to be a Mom of not 1, but 2 babies, the looming difficulty of being responsible for 2 human beings at the same time is somewhat overwhelming.

People say that you forget how hard it is when your child is a newborn. True, it's a blur, but I remember how my stomach felt like it was going to rip open at my C-section incision, how it burned like fire every time I laughed or coughed or sneezed those first couple weeks, how B had 2 hour parties in the middle of the night instead of sleeping. I remember how hard it is to have a baby.

But I also see how quickly babies grow up. And how you can't get back lost time after they grow and all of a sudden are walking and talking and learning things at the speed of lightning. And how you all of a sudden miss those days when they'd sleep on your chest. I remember the startle reflex that they have when they first come home from the hospital that makes you laugh every time you go wake them up to eat. I remember how B cooed and giggled and how she had a mohawk. I remember how she'd sit under my chair chewing on an empty Pepsi box while I ate a frozen burrito for lunch, thinking, "these are the days and oh how I love them...."

And out of all this remembering, good and bad, no matter how hard I know it will be to have our family expand, it will also be an amazingly JOYFUL time. There will be long days, tiring days, but they DO grow up and nothing will be as it is today forever. These revelations have brought me to a place of great excitement for what's yet to come...